The one thing I've been grasping to this last week is that it's important - vital, necessary - to be thankful.
It's so easy to get bogged down in the unhappiness. Too easy to see the bad news, see what's going wrong, and decide to traffic only in sadness. But I've been trying to force myself to find small moments and reasons to be thankful in the last week, because I find that helps me put a smile back on my own face, get up and get moving, and strengthen my resolve to defeat these bone issues, once and for all.
The thankful list includes :
- That this morning, I got out of bed, headed to the gym, and spent the entire hour focused on upper body exercises. Yep, lifting weights. For a self-professed cardio fiend, I need to get over my aversion to weights - in fact, doing that has been on my secret mental to-do list for years. You know the one we all have : stop biting my nails stop spending so much money on clothing stop dating assholes definitely stop drunk texting that guy probably also stop buying lattes every morning... For me, start mixing in strength training was on that secret mental list. So now, I've sort of been slammed with reality : literally, aside from swimming, I can pretty much only focus on my upper body. So, weights it is. And it's important that I am thankful that I can do that.
This morning, I sat on a machine at a gym, and had to swing my walking boot into place, not exactly a graceful task. It reminded me of trying to sit up after my broken hip, when I physically couldn't lift my body into a seated position after sleeping on my back. I needed to be pushed into place, fighting through makes-you-wanna-pass-out pain the entire time. So this time around, I still have mobility and strength and ability. Thankful list.
- The thankful list most definitely includes the fact that, once again, I'm learning just how beautiful the people in my life are. My little brother coordinated with my roommate to send me pizza and wine (good wine) on Valentine's Day. My mom and dad texted me ceaselessly, despite me screening phone calls because I was hurting too much to want to talk to anyone, and despite me responding angrily to every text for a few days with "just leave me alone." Friends that send you flowers and draw Tom Brady on a card for you and make you laugh and ensure you're overserved for the first few, kind of brutal, bad days. Coworkers and peers who call and text and drop you lines of encouragement.
You know how they say it takes a village to raise a kid? I think the last year of my life is proof that village never truly goes away. My village is back and better than ever, injury 2.0 style, and I've again learned so much about the people who are willing to be there for me when I'm in a sad, painful place. Thankful list.
- Lastly, I'm starting to come around to the idea that this second fracture happened for a reason. I mean, it happened for a physical reason, but until I get some answers from the medical scans, I don't know what that is. I'm talking about the universe reason, the higher reason, the "oh man, is she going to get religious on us now?" reason.
Nah. No religious stuff here, just another inkling that there's a bigger reason for this second tough break (sorry, I had to), even if I don't know it right now. I will say that I was starting to do some really fun, good work on nutrition and mindfulness and bringing overall wellness more into the fold of my life, only to get swept up in #training again, to throw caution to the wind, and try to do it all at once. I started to function on little sleep again, to ignore my own moods, to "push through" - almost getting myself dangerously worn down until, you know, I was forced to stop again. This time, though, I shut myself down, despite doctors telling me it was "just" a muscle issue (sound familiar?), so I didn't lose all the lessons I'd learned in the last year. But it's time to revisit those again, to take a holistic glance at the attitudes, routines and priorities I'm placing in my life. Am I rambling? Probably. Definitely. But on the thankful list : having the luxury to examine my priorities and do the work on myself that I'd pushed to the side in order to fit in a training cycle.
There's a thing about being forced to heal. It's kind of like being in a walking boot. The first few days, it's super clunky, and it really sucks and it's always in the way. And then, after a few days, you notice that even though using it forces you outside of a comfort zone, it actually reduces your pain overall.