kismet

deanpark

 

In the first five months of 2016, in quick succession, my heart and my hip broke.

On Valentine's Day (ironically. cruelly.), a good friend lost a valiant battle with cancer. A little over two months later, on Tax Day, I collapsed in the midst of the Boston Marathon, a deeply personal goal I'd set for myself. My femur had fractured along its head, nestled in the center of the hip socket.

Losing Becky still feels surreal. It seems impossible that someone could be so surrounded by love and friends and still find time to pull me into her irresistible orbit, but she did. I regret so many things : not telling her more often the sort of mentor she was to me. Not talking and visiting more. I was scared. I’ve learned that life is not only short, but fragile. Too quickly it can be ripped apart at the seams.

Injuring myself seems a less severe blow after losing Becky. I think without her passing, it would have been an unimaginable catastrophe. But for it to come in the midst of searing grief almost makes it a blip in passing. It feels truly unimportant. 

The pain was the worst I've ever felt. At one point, in the middle of two weeks of bed rest, one of my parents had to hold up my head so I could swallow a Percocet. Only after it kicked in did I have the strength to push myself into a seated position.

When you're quite literally confined to a bed (or couch) for two weeks, after self-pity subsides, you begin to take a long, hard look at your life. And I realized there had been signs of discontent. For months, but really that began in earnest after losing my friend. 

I believe in the universe. I believe that nothing is a coincidence, that those we love never leave us, that they stay hovering along the edges of our life, sending us messages when we need them most. Or, in my case, when we're being particularly obstinate and need to be hit over the head with a course of action.

I'm seeing signs everywhere I go. And to me, that means it's time to get back to what I love, what my friend pushed me to do : to write. To create. To follow my dreams.

This blog is going to be my little corner of the Internet. Nothing fancy, nothing special and certainly not the most beautiful writing that's ever existed. But here I want to share the small moments of beauty that make up my life, the adventures I push myself to take and the moments from the universe that appear in my path as if guided by an invisible hand. Kismet, some say. I call it signs.

Read along. I'm so glad you're here.